I Could Have Been A Doctor...

I could have been a doctor. That's what I've realized. My whole life I have struggled with school. I study for hours and retain nothing. My studying consists of me staring at the same sentence over and over. My brain works like this.



Excerpt from Food Safety textbook:

Anisakis Simplex is a worm like (I wonder why my mouth taste so weird right now...then I drink some water…then I cup my hand and try to smell my breath while seeing if anyone is watching).

Anisakis Simplex is a worm like (my hands are so ugly...did I pay my Verizon bill...Fuck I didn't. I then attempt to pay my Verizon bill but can't find my ATM card with the right numbers…then I forget I’m paying my bill because I see my ipod while looking for my ATM card and then I listen to this song that I just HAVE to hear because it’s singing my life at this particular time).

Anisakis Simplex is a worm like parasite found in certain fish and shel (Why are my ankles so big...jesus do I have Cankles!?..."Rooker, look at my ankles...do you think they are cankles? They're not right!? Oh Good!!").

Anisakis Simple (I need to wax my eyebrows. It's been months… I can't believe my mom always made canned green beans growing up. Jesus. Maybe I would of realized my love for food if I had actually had real food when I was a child. I'm gonna call her).

Mom: Hello

Me: Dude, I can't believe you always fed me canned green beans growing up! Mom I love Haricot Vert and had I known this maybe I wouldn’t of been anemic as a child.

Mom: What's Hairy?

Me: It's French Green Beans! Listen...You and dad really need to start eating local. Sustainable agriculture and the slow food movement…it’s the new thing. Organic is a thing of the past. Wal-Marts even got organic!!! Wal-Mart is probably what ruined Organic! I wish I didn't love Wal-Mart so much!! Listen...I have to go study but I just wanted to call and let you know that maybe had you fed me fresh vegetables growing up that maybe I would of gone to school years ago rather than waste time trying to be an actor. Love you. Later.

Mom: I did feed you fresh vegetables you just don’t remember. You hated everything! Hello…hello…hello.

...is a worm-like parasite found in certain fish and shellfish.

That is what my brain has been like all of my life. I was tested in college for ADHD and was diagnosed. I took Ridalon for one second of my life and hated it. I became a very obedient, focused, and boring zombie. I had no personality and said I would never take any kind of medicine again.

9 Years Later:

I enter Culinary School at 27 focused, energetic, and loving class. I’ve stopped partying, I can’t party because I’m putting myself through school and need to get a 3.0 in order to keep the scholarships I have or want. I eat, sleep, and breath school and the library. I study for hours on end for my tests. The first two grades I receive are both F’s.

How can this be? My eye’s well up with tears at the disappointment I feel in myself. I’m embarrassed and ashamed that I am still having this much trouble at school. I had had such hopes since I was now an adult and interested in every class. Things were going to be different now. I see Rooker and ask how he did on the test.

Rooker: I got an A.

Me: Dude that is so fucked up, you didn’t study at all hardly! And you’ve copied my homework two days in a row!

Rooker: Yeah…people always hate me for making the grades I do. I think I make them because of the Aderol.

Me: Aderol?

Aderol is a drug for ADHD. I have been hearing about the wonders of Aderol for years because of the effects it has had on my dad. My father who also has ADHD built an entire back porch in three days on it. Alone. I decide to try it.

That day my whole life changed. Everything was entering my brain like a sponge. I was soaking up some of the most boring information one could ever read or hear. I was holding conversations with people and listening to everything they were saying. I was organizing my backpack, my closet, my bookshelf, and my folders. I was studying for classes that weren’t for another two days. I was writing papers that weren’t due till the following week. I needed more things to do, more things to study for! More errands to run, more organizations to join!!! HURRY!!!

My next three grades were A’s. Every single one of them.

Aderol will be illegal one day. I know it. It’s just too good. Until then, I will gladly take my 20mg per day and maybe become a doctor online. I hear University of Phoenix has a great online program.